And A Thank You

My confession today is no laughing matter.  I chose to write about this because I have been seeing some shows on the subject lately and I felt that as someone who has experienced it, I could help someone, or help someone help somebody else.

My confession is about teen relationship abuse.  At the time it was a very hush hush subject.  I thought people would look down on ME.  I'm going to write about one year that changed my life and the people that were part of it.

It was the summer going into my Gr. 9 yr.  I met DJ around the neighbourhood.  I lived out of my school catchment area so the people around my area were not really my friends.  I remember always seeing his younger brother on the same bus as I took to get to school.  He was cute.  I can't remember how I met DJ, I think through an ex boyfriend.  I was 15 and he was 22.  I don't remember lying about my age and I would think he would figure it out since he would take me or pick me up from school after we started going out.  The age difference should have been a bad thing already but when you're a teenager you think you know it all.

It would start with arguments.  Over everything.  Over anything.  Who I talked to. Where I went.  What I said.

He started punching things: walls, poles, cars, people.  One day we had a fight and when I came over to his house the floor of his room was covered in confetti.  Confetti of my letters, cards, pictures...anything that had to do with me.  He had also smashed his prized guitar into little pieces and had punched a hole in the wall.  I cannot even tell you what we argued about or what he was angry about.  All I remember was sitting on his bed and a fist coming at my face and missing it and hitting the wall instead.  I don't remember what happened after that.  I do remember crawling on my hands and knees out of his room to the front door.  I was not aware his older brother was in the living room watching me do this.  I guess he told him mom what happened.

His mother called me and asked me to come over.  I sat in the kitchen and chitchatted with her,  nervously scanning the house to make sure he wasn't there or has arrived.  She must have noticed because she said, "I talked to him.  I told him he will never touch you again.  If he does, I don't care if I'm his mother, I will kill him myself."

These words shocked me.  She went on to explain to me that when he was little he would sit in the corner and watch his dad beat her almost to death.  All the time.  I had met his dad, and this information was not clicking with the image in my head.  She was mortified that he, of all people, would lay a hand on a woman.  She made it very clear to me that I had nothing to be scared of and that this will never happen again.  I believed her.  Besides, I was going to help him.  My love will cure his pain and I will be good and he will have no reason to want to inflict pain on me.

Nothing major happened again.  We went out for a few more months.  Arguments here and there but nothing like before.  I knew it was going nowhere but I thought if I left he would have a breakdown and revert back to his old self and so I stayed.

One day, after school, an ex of mine came up to me and handed me a letter to give to a new girl in school that I had befriended.  I always thought that was funny that he was using his ex-girlfriend to pick up a new girl but I was cool with it.   Who came barreling in from around the corner?  DJ.  He has seen CS give me the letter and ASSUMED that it was for me.  He came running at me, dragging me through the hall.  Remember, it was after school and the floor was packed.  The way the lockers are assigned is each grade had a floor or section.  This was my grades' section.  EVERYONE was there watching.  But he didn't stop there.  He slammed me a couple of times onto a locker and then lifted me by my neck a few inches of the floor.  He held me that way for what seemed like an eternity.  I was facing my classmates.  Tears burning my face not wanting to show anyone my fear and humiliation.  And I was humiliated.  I wanted to die.  The harder he squeezed my neck the closer I was to welcome death.  I did not want to live through that.  I did not want to have to come back to school after that.

People started running towards us finally.  CS was freaking out.  He could not believe what was happening.  Over a letter that wasn't even for me.  K, the new girl was trying to get him to let go and was screaming, "The letter is for me!!!  Show him C!" And they were both trying to show him the proof.  I don't know why but he finally listened and put me down.  I started to choke when the air finally came in.  People were still gathered around.  I know they were laughing and pitying me.  I wanted a hole to open up and swallow me.

I got up and started running.  DJ came after me, apologizing.  He started to say that he was just crazy with jealousy thinking he might lose me.  He couldn't bear the thought of being without me and that another guy could possibly take me away.  I HATED HIM WITH  EVERY INCH OF MY BEING.  If I could have killed him there I would have with no remorse and never looked back.

I finally got away from him.  I got home and my dad knew there was something wrong right away.  See my dad has been asking all along if everything was OK.  He had started noticing changes in me.  I do not know what he noticed.  I do not know what changed.  He was just very, very worried.  I tried to tell him I was alright.  Nothing was wrong,  I swear.  But then DJ came to our door and opened it and came inside.  I was panicking and my dad didn't understand why.  When DJ stepped in I finally told my dad, "He hurt me.  He hurt me really bad and he tried to kill me."  The rage in my father's eyes were unmatched by anything I have ever seen.  He ran into the kitchen and got the cleaver and went to try to hurt him.  I let him.  I let him run after him down the alley.  I wished and wished he would catch him.  He didn't.  My father was in his 60's.  But he got on the phone and called some friends.  That's when I told him to stop.  It was over.  I couldn't go back...to him, to school, to ME.  He was suppose to be the one to love me.  To protect me.  His mother called later and I refused to talk to her.  She talked to my parents and asked for them to let DJ come over and apologize.  He came and cried.  Cried.  And cried.  But I couldn't do it.  I couldn't love him better.  I failed.

The story is too long already...I'm sorry I have to go on a little bit longer.

Near the end of the school year I got a job at the fast food restaurant in Gastown.  Everything was fine.  Life was starting to go back to normal.  A few months later a few of my coworkers went out.  I don't know why we ended up at the house that we did.  I think it was just too late for anyone to go home.

That night as I lay down to sleep, one of my coworkers came into the bed and started to try to get in my pants.  He got on top, trying to kiss me and talk me into marrying him.  YES. Marrying him. He was a Christian virgin and he didn't want to do this to me while we were not married.  I was not comfortable but I thought I could handle him.  Besides, he was a good Christian, right? I did get him off after a long while but satisfied in knowing that he couldn't possibly hurt me.

The next night, we worked together with two other guys.  We were closing the restaurant down and when I went into the freezer to put the things away he came running in there and pinned me into the back corner.  Now I was very scared.  He was doing this in public and not caring who would walk in.  I saw his eyes and a flicker when he 'turned'.  He was still saying the same things but this time he was starting to undo his pants.  I tried to push him off, this cannot be happening to me!  The guy in charge of us opened the freezer door and I didn't scream but I thought for sure the fear in my eyes would have gave him plenty of signals.  He looked at me and closed the door.  I was beyond angry!  Why did he do that?  This guy thinks it's OK to do the things he was going to do.  I was trying to claw at him and begging him to stop.  "Look at me, you know me!" I was screaming.  "Please stop, don't do this to me," I pleaded.

That moment the door flew open and the other guy working with us came running in and tore him away from me.  I ran out of there shaking.  That guy started apologizing to DC(the guy who came in).  I could not believe it!!  WTF?!!  Come and apologize to me.  I was starting to hate guys.  Is it me?  Do I have a 'hurt me' sign on my back?

I started dating DC soon after that.  He was leaving for school soon and I figure it was just for fun.  I had enough of guys.  This was not going to be serious.  He would just be like all the other guys, I thought.

Instead he gave me peace.  He let me be me.  No expectations of what I was rumoured to be.  I felt safe in the knowledge he wouldn't hurt me physically.  Actually, he would protect me.  He let me breathe.  And for this I thank him.

We lost touch and I always tried to find him.  He will always be in my heart.

This was what I wanted to tell him.  I may never see you again, and you may never read this.  I may never talk to you again and I'm just glad I got to say what I have been trying to type over and over again.  You made me see that it was not me.  And even though I still made wrong choices along the way I would never be a victim of abuse again.

I thank you so so much for being a part of my life when I really needed you.  I'm sure you didn't even know of any of the previous things that happened to me but that's alright.  I may not have handled everything that came my way had I not had a healthy relationship when I did.  I thank you for showing me that not all guys were the same and after the same thing.  I thought that was all I had to offer.  Because of that I stopped acting the way I thought people wanted me to act and just tried to be me.  I hurt when you left and I was scared.  I knew you had to live your life there and I couldn't be the one to hold you back.  I didn't want to hold you back.  You had to do your things.  I thought letting you go was the best thing I could do for you.   I wanted to be weak and whine for you to come back.  I didn't,  instead it helped  make me stronger.  Before you, I dated guys for months because somehow they always found ways to hurt me.  After that I was able to date people for years, not always great relationships but not bad ones either.  I was able to make better choices.

They say  TO THE WORLD YOU MAY BE ONE PERSON, BUT TO ONE PERSON YOU MAY BE THE WORLD.

YOU WERE.

 YOU ARE.

That's all I had to say.

Please go visit these links to help yourself or someone you know.  Get help because you cannot change them.  Or get them out.

http://www.loveisnotabuse.com

http://www.connectforkids.org/articles/serious_about_teen_relationship_abuse

Both has very good insight into the subject.  The first is a Liz Clairborne sponsored site.  It has a section for parents and teens.  It has a section to show you signs of abuse and how to talk to your teens about it.  Please discuss it.  It is very well hidden, just like domestic abuse.  Unfortunately for teens there's not as much resource or places they can turn to for help.  I was lucky, some may not be.